UK Dating Awards 2014

UKDA new dating blog shortlist

As you may have noticed, I have a few new images on my website – that’s because I’ve been shortlisted for two categories for the UK Dating Awards later this month – that of Best New Dating Blog and Best Dating Blog!

The Awards ceremony dinner is on Thursday 13th of November and I’m so excited.  I’ve no idea what my chances are of winning but in all honesty I’m just thrilled and excited to have been UKDAbest blog shortlistshortlisted in one category let alone two!

There are several other categories at UKDA such as Matchmaker of the Year and Best Dating App.  There are also two publicly voted awards for Best Dating Website and Best Dating Advert.

Voting closes on Tuesday 11th November so get your vote in now:

1) Best Dating website

2) Best Dating Advert – take a look at the  five ads below and then vote for whichever you think is best:

Guardian Soulmates

Christian DatingLovestruck


Thanks Everyone,

Love Kissey

xx

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38. Nice Guy Eddie

Ok so before you ask, I should warn you that I did not just have a date with Chris Penn Nice Guy Eddieor anyone else from the cast of Reservoir Dogs.  And neither was there a Mexican stand-off at the end of my date – though there was some tequila involved.

Nice guy Eddie is so named as the guy I had a date with is just that – a totally nice guy.  He’s actually a primary school teacher, one of his profile pictures is of him graduating, an extremely tall, slim black guy surrounded by a host of newly qualified white female teachers who all look quite delighted to have him in their midst.

Nice Guy Eddie (not his real name I hasten to add) is a date from the website, and thankfully none of his text-talk strayed into the borderline sexting of his ill-fated predecessor.  This one seems like a real gent.  He’s 40 years old, about 6ft 4 and relatively good looking without being so handsome that he’d be trouble – he also seems really sweet.

We arranged to meet in Shoreditch at a bar that’s usually quite rowdy on a weekend or Friday, but midweek it’s pretty quiet – in fact we’re one of only two couples in the whole place!

Nice Guy Eddie, is on time and true to form looks like his pictures which is always a relief!  He’s very tall indeed, slim build and a quirky dresser – he’s dressed smart-casual in jeans with a flat cap which actually looks pretty hip.  He’s grinning like a little boy when I meet him and straight away I feel at ease.

We go up to the bar where he orders a pint and I order my usual drink of Havana rum & coke, to which he looks at me all shame-faced and apologises for not ordering a ‘more interesting drink than beer’.  He’s so sincere and endearing that I can’t help but smile at his worrying about what I think of his ‘unimaginative’ drink choices.  I tell him it’s fine and we sit down to chat.

It turns out that I am popping his dating cherry as he’s never been on an internet date up until now.  I promise him that I’ll be gentle and we continue chatting.  Nice Guy has been single for about a year or so after a long term relationship went downhill – from the sounds of things his ex was taking advantage of his nice guy ways.

As we continue to talk I find out he has a big brother, who he tells me is very concerned about his going on dates with strangers… at times it feels like I’m out on a date with aCute Kitten naive 14 year old boy.  He’s so sweet and innocent, all enthusiasm and excitement which makes me really like him – I just get the feeling I like him in the way one likes cute fluffy kitten videos on youtube.  There’s a real temptation to say ahh in a cutesey voice before tickling him on the belly till he squeals.

Fortunately for everyone, before I give in to temptation he rushes off to the bar to get a more ‘interesting’ drink for us.  He returns shortly with Patron XO café shots…. I am rendered momentarily speechless, before swiftly knocking our shots back (which are pretty darned good I might add).

I’ve never done shots on a first date in my life and I swiftly advise Nice Guy that it’s not standard dating practice as some girls might assume he’s trying to get them paralytic before having his wicked way with him – the mere thought of which in the context of Nice Guy Eddie could only mean staying out past curfew or possibly jaywalking – he’s just so unbelievably……nice.

And not even in a cringey way, he’s lovely, boyish, charming and endearing – which unfortunately doesn’t really scream MANLY.  But I have to admit he’s great company.  The whole time he’s like an excitable puppy dog that keeps chasing his tail and looks totally delighted at the prospect of seeing snow for the first time – not what you’d expect of a grown man turning 40.  I’m beginning to see why his brother is so protective of him.

For the rest of the date, it’s almost like I’m giving him a lesson in internet dating etiquette, as he asks whether he’s doing things right or if he’s saying the right things.  I assure him he’s doing fine – and he is, just not the right things for me (which I keep to myself – come on, I can’t be mean to this guy!).

At the end of the night Nice Guy Eddie walks me to the tube and I can see he’s hesitating over the whole do I kiss her before I go dilemma.  I have to say as a woman, it’s actually quite nice not having to worry about that one, we can afford to just stand back and wait if we want.  But what he does next really threw me.

We go in for the hug and it’s clear he’s decided to forego the awkward first kiss.  He walks away about five paces, before running back to me giving me a peck on the lips and running away again.

And I’m just standing there like a girl who’s just been caught playing catch-kiss for the first time – totally bewildered and blushing like a twelve-year-old.

So that was Nice Guy Eddie – a thoroughly enjoyable date, just not sure if he’s gonna come out to play again or not – but I’ll give you an update on that next time, along with a tale of my next date with destiny.

37. Desperately Sikhing Perverts

Okay so I’m probably giving away some of the game with the title of this post.  You may well have ascertained that this story has something to do with perverts and men of a particular religious persuasion.  Not to say that his religious inclination has anything to do with his level of pervyness, it’s more of a happy coincidence given the numerous puns that I could’ve gone with.

My Sikh perv came to me by way of the website rather than random circumstance. But why the pervert label? Well we’ll get to that very shortly.

I’ve dated people of various religious leanings from Muslim, Buddhist and Hindu, to various sub-sections of Christianity including  and not limited to the “Happy-Clappy” variety.  I can honestly say from experience that it makes very little difference in the dating world what religion one is, other than a varying level of religious hypocrisy, depending on how devout a follower they are and their views on sex before marriage.

From his profile this guy seemed like a good prospect, moderately handsome, into his fitness and a good job in the city.  'City Traders - The Complete Menagerie'Well that last one should’ve been a slight warning, the religion of your average City Trader does tend to err on the dark side and often involves selling one’s soul to the devil to make one’s yearly bonus.  And yes I am massively generalizing here, but even my flatmate would concur (and she’s dated more City boys than I care to shake a pointy stick at) that they tend to be vainer and more arrogant than your average bear (or bull depending on your trading position).

So for ease we’ll call our prospective love interest Trader-Boy – yes of course he’s younger than me! – but not by too much he’s only nine years my junior…

Trader-Boy and I had exchanged a few emails and were now progressing to text-talk.  We’d established that we worked nearby to each other and had a common interest in all things fitness.  We then started talking about meeting up and arranged to meet near to our workplaces in three days’ time.

And this is where it all took a strange turn for the worse.  At first his messages were friendly, light, humorous and mildly flirtatious, but gradually they became more and more suggestive.  No-Idea-of-What-Sexting-is-1Now I’m happy to flirt don’t get me wrong, but when a guy starts making sexual insinuations and asking if you have a lot of ‘energy’ and whether your previous partner was satisfied?  well I draw the line there – unless of course you’ve already crossed that sexual line in which case go crazy, talk dirty and Snapchat to your hearts content!

At first as I’m often prone to do, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he’s just joking I thought.  So I laughed it off and steered the conversation in a different direction.  Harmless deflection into a less sexually charged topic and a polite decline to send any pictures.

It didn’t work.

Again, me being a ‘nice’ person (also look up the definition of stupidly naive person who tries to see the good in everyone even when they have the redeeming qualities of a serial killer who likes to torture puppies for light entertainment), I decided that rather than cut him off completely I would just let him know that I found his language somewhat forward.  hqdefaultDon’t worry I said it more eloquently than that and managed to sound slightly less frumpy than a 76 year old Mormon virgin.

I just told him that as we had yet to meet I’d rather he reined in his ‘enthusiasm’ as I was ‘not that kind of girl’.  Okay okay, you know as well as I do that I can and indeed have been that type of girl, but not with a complete stranger!  Besides I really believe that if you set a certain tone before you meet someone, they can end up with the wrong idea – an idea that some unscrupulous characters will try and force upon you against your will.

But thankfully my straight-talking worked.

For all of about three text exchanges at which point he thought it perfectly acceptable to ask how good I was in bed, how long I could go for and if I got very wet or not.

At this point I decided that he didn’t even deserve the effort of a reply and blocked him on my whatsapp.  And that was that, except I then got a voicemail from him two days later wondering where I was as he was stood waiting for me at our pre-arranged meeting point.  The first and only time I have ever stood up a guy, but to my reckoning it was wholly warranted.

I really don’t understand how some guys think it’s ok to just jump straight in and start asking about your sexual ability before they’ve even met you.  Sure, if we’d met on a hook-up site I’d understand. But surely not when you’re on a site where you’re supposedly looking for a committed relationship???  But then again, maybe that’s just me being naive again.

So this week’s post is really a tale of a date that never happened, but to be honest I’m pretty glad it didn’t!

Onward and upwards though as they say, I have a date arranged next week with a very tall primary school teacher…fingers crossed he’s not a pervert too.

36. They Think it’s All Over…

So last time I left off I’d strangely agreed to a third date with my Palestinian Premiership Guy.   And I’ll explain why now… although the second date had not been a raging success and conversation had been far from scintillating; it had gone well on the first date so I thought it only fair to give it another shot.

To be honest sometimes I fear that I don’t give the guys I meet enough opportunity to win me over or vice-versa even.  The problem is when you’re looking for love, who knows how long you give someone before deciding whether there’s something there or not?  Now granted sometimes you just have to see them enter a room and you know it’s never gonna happen, like when they’re rude and obnoxious from the start, have poor personal hygene, or just don’t look a thing like their profile.  But what about those other times, when they look ok, the conversation is fine but there’s no immediate spark?

Now in the course of meeting someone in the usual manner – through friends, work or going to the same activity or bar – you can get to know someone gradually.  You may not dirty-dancingfancy them, in fact you may not even view them as a prospective lover at all.  But time and circumstance allow feelings to grow and you eventually end up fancying the arse off them and imagining doing the horizontal salsa/bogle/conga-line (in fact just insert whatever dirty dancing you want here) with them whenever they glance your way.

I know this happens, I’ve even seen it happen in real life, but the thing is when you’re dating online, time just doesn’t allow.  The circumstances within which you meet are always artificial, you’re meeting with the sole purpose of interviewing for the prospective role of shag partner, life partner, or partner for the time being until something better comes along.  And for that reason you can’t afford the luxury of hanging out for the next few months just to see if you might end up crushing on them eventually.

So on that basis, I decided to work on a three date rule, if I was undecided after two dates 3rd Date Rulebut could see some vague possibility of fancying them, they get one more throw of the dice.  For Premiership Guy’s third attempt we decided to go to the park again but this time it was during the day and we organised a picnic, followed by the cinema.

It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and he was looking good in a tight t-shirt again – I’ll give him this much, he knows how to work with his assets!  We chatted a bit about what we’d been up to since we last met, ate a bit and then lay down to enjoy the sun.  It was all very chilled like last time, and again just like last time, the conversation was flowing as sluggishly as the blood-flow of a clinically obese man having a nap after eating three burgers, five servings of fries and a gallon of strawberry thick-shake – on sedatives.

Having talked ourselves dry yet again within half an hour of meeting, he proceeded to try and get off with me in the middle of the park.  Now I’m no prude – I’ll even admit to having had al-fresco sex on a common, in the long grass in the middle of the day.  Slightly embarrassingly a dog walker came by at a rather inopportune moment, but being the troopers that we were (overly horny and young), we soldiered on.  But when it came to Premiership Guy in a very public park with no long grass in view… well let’s just say I’m not as young, and I wasn’t as horny for him at least.

The other problem was I was getting distracted by all the other hot guys in the park – not a good sign when you’re on a date.  Eventually when it was looking like I was about to doze off – which he didn’t seem at all perturbed by (in fact he took it as an indication of how comfortable I was around him rather than how mind-numbingly bored I was), we decided to head to the cinema.

I chose a comedy rather than anything too romantic or heavy, I’m not a fan of rom-coms and as much as I do enjoy a good drama, I felt like we needed to lighten the mood.   He did the gentlemanly thing and bought the tickets and I bought the snacks and proceeded to our seats.

The film was hilarious! I couldn’t stop laughing the whole way through, so much so that my sides were hurting from laughing so much.  The only thing was, every time I looked over at Premiership Guy he was barely even cracking a smile!  Now admittedly some of the humour was a bit crass in places, but still… not even a smirk or a slight giggle???

For me this was the definite final whistle.

If I can’t converse easily with a guy, the kiss feels passionless and we don’t even have theMichelangelo's David same sense of humour in the slightest? Well it’s a no–go for me, even if the guy does have the most beautiful green eyes in the world and a chiselled physique that would make Michelangelo blush.

So sadly I’ve called it a day with Premiership Guy, but it wasn’t for want of trying.

What’s next?  I hear you cry…

Well there are two more contenders – A primary school teacher, and a stockbroker… you couldn’t get much more polarised opposites if you tried!

I’ll tell you more in the next post….

35. Premiership Guy – The Semi-Finals

For My second date with Premiership guy, we decided to go for a picnic in the park after work.  It was a beautiful sunny day so I thought what better than to chill out in the sunshine.  It started off fine enough, we found a good spot in the sun and sat down.  He was wearing a tight fitting t-shirt and I could see his beautifully toned arms and further proof of his very flat and toned stomach – made me feel slightly ashamed of my rather soft mid-region.

Us women have a real hang-up about having any type of belly, but the sad truth is, once you get past a certain age it becomes harder and harder to get back to that magical flat stomach some of us (if we were lucky) had in our teens and early twenties.  My magic metabolism disappeared around the age of 23 with my first office job.  It was quite a blow when I realised that could no longer “eat all the pies” without fear of having a mini pie-baby for the next week and a half.

Back then Carbs and I were fleeting bedfellows, now we’re fast friends, as the minute any kind of refined sugar or flour passes my lips, they seem to weld themselves lovingly to my midriff.  Oh and whilst I’m ranting, why oh, why is it that the fat always leaves my not-so-ample bosom first, then my ass and last, and mostly definitely the very least – it leaves my belly!

I’ve been told by some of my kinder male friends that guys actually like a little softness round the middle – pffft!  Apparently they don’t like a rock hard flat stomach, they want a more cushiony belly to rest their head or hands on.  Whether that’s because if we have a belly it takes the pressure off them to have a perfectly toned, you could wash a month’s worth of laundry stomach, or whether they actually do find it more feminine I truly don’t know, I just hope it’s true.

I remember about a year ago when I was seeing a PT with muscles so cut my eyes bled just looking at him.  He was stood behind me with his arms around me when he placed his hands on my little food-baby and jiggled it…

“Whhhat are you doing?” I asked as calmly as I could.

“Ohh I just love your belly, it’s so soft and jiggly!”

Needless to say he did not get any sex that night, instead I spent the next ten minutes explaining to him that although he may indeed love a “belly that jiggles” this was not conducive sexy-talk for any woman.  I then spent the rest of the evening resisting the urge to comfort eat and feeling guilty about all the pies I know I shouldn’t have eaten over the preceeding three months.

Anyway as often happens, I digress… so here I was in a lovely park eating all my favourite carb friends with my handsome Palestinian Premiership Prince.  It was very relaxed, very peaceful… in fact it was a little too peaceful.  It seemed that the conversation that had flowed so easily a couple of days previously was now more like a stagnant pool of small-talk.

I had nothing to say, and it would seem neither did he.

We tried several times to start conversations, but either it was the warm sunshine that melted our brains, or more likely we’d just talked ourselves dry on the previous date.  We relaxed in the park for an hour or so until it started to get chilly and I’d really had enough of surreptitiously envying/ogling his toned body and beautiful green eyes.  We then decided to take a stroll to Trafalgar Square, partly in the vain hope that a change of scenery would stimulate conversation again, but alas it was not to be.  After yet another so pregnant it was about to give birth pause, he turned to me and said.

“It’s so great that I feel so comfortable with you that we don’t need to talk, I’m just really enjoying being with you”

Ass so sweet I hear you cry…. Oooh so boring I heard myself lament.  You see for me conversation is pretty important, mental stimulation is a massive turn-on for me.  If you haven’t already worked it out I’m pretty wordy – and as much as I am drawn to the quiet “mysterious” types, I do like a modicum of communication.

But it wasn’t solely his fault, I wasn’t able to contribute much either and I realise now that this was a direct consequence of arranging a second date too soon after the first – not enough had happened in the last few days to talk about and we clearly had very little in common.

So I decided to call it a night and head off home, and that’s when he went in for the long awaited kiss…

It was… to be quite honest… a letdown, any chemistry I’d felt on the first date had long since evaporated in the drought of our conversational desert.  It wasn’t that he was a bad kisser, not at all, there just wasn’t much in the way of feeling or emotion – more like a practice kiss, like when you’re a kid learning how to french kiss without knocking out your front teeth.

Post-kiss, we said our goodbyes and I went home feeling slightly deflated, which makes me wonder why I agreed to go on a third date – I’ll tell you all about it in the next post 😉

34. Division 1 to the Premiership

If you’re a regular reader you’ll know (and if not just read through some of my previous posts) I was seeing a guy who worked in the football industry as an agent. Well my next date, this time someone from the dating website, is a football journalist! He’s originally Palestinian and reports on all the premiership games for an Arabic TV channel. He’s about 5ft 9 and has the most amazing green eyes! He’s also pretty cute.

The online banter is not amazing but we seem to get along alright and we arranged to meet up at a bar not far from where I live. The bar he chose is pretty nice, quiet and spacious – there’s literally only two other people in the place. As for his appearances… well he looks very much as promised in that he’s quite athletic and toned – he plays a lot of football as well as talking about it for a living, and he trains at the gym even more than I do!

Premiership guy scores well on dress code too, smart jeans, a casual short-sleeved top and smart trainers – no monster shoes like Frodo Feet (big relief). And his eyes? OMG in real life they are even more beautiful, I could gaze into them for hours, which is kind of what I end up doing as we get to know each other. On top of that his eyelashes are as long and thick as mine are short and insubstantial.

He’s recently divorced and has two kids –that I knew about before we met (he was very upfront about that). The first date went of extremely well, conversation flowed easily and comfortably and the banter is much better than I expected. He’s really relaxed and refreshingly honest about what he wants from dating. Although he’s not long divorced he’s been separated for almost a year and is not looking for casual fun – or at least so he says.

We talk about religion and marriage – kind of important when you’re not religious and the other person is. He’s a non-practicing Muslim, i.e. he has the occasional drink, is not adverse to sex before marriage and doesn’t pray as often as he thinks he should.

We talk about relationships and marriage even – he brings this up along with kids as he wants to know where I’m at. I tell him marriage one day with the right guy and if kids come along great, but if they don’t I’m just as happy. He says he’d like more and that marriage is not that important to him (not surprising given his own marital status).

In fact we talk about a hell of a lot, for several hours and after devouring a sharing platter of bar food we end up going for Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. We sit in the park chatting until the last tubes by which point I’m cold and the conversation has started to dry up – I really ought to have called it a night sooner but I was too busy staring at those hypnotic eyes.

He then walked me to the tube and gave me a very respectful kiss on the cheeks and we’ve agreed to meet up again soon.

Is it too soon to say I’m hopeful again? Probably yes but we’ll see in the next post…

28. Tiger Ears, Potential Stalkers and a Date with No Smell – Part 3

It’s a day later than promised I know – but dear readers, I suspect by now you are used to my usual tardiness in posting when I say I will…

I started this three-part post with a tale of a date that didn’t happen, so it only seems appropriate that I conclude with my most recent mis-adventure that ended up coming to nothing too.

I’d started talking to the newest online contender about a week or so ago. He seemed nice, a decent enough looking professional in his mid-30s, his profile said that he had no children and a good steady job – yep all the things that usually have me running for the hills. What could go wrong? Well clearly something did as we never actually met in the end.

How did it end up being a non-date?

To start off with our email conversations through the site were fine, we’d succeeded in jumping through all the communication hoops of likes/dislikes and questions such as, what would you prefer; death by rabid werewolves or rabid zombies?

I was comfortable enough that I felt happy giving him my phone number and we started texting. Now this first text seems pretty innocuous and to start off with it is, it’s just the context.

At about 7.30 in the morning I get a text from him asking how I’d slept – okay it’s not that weird I’ll grant you that, but given that I hadn’t met him yet, it just seemed… a tad too familiar. It wasn’t like I’d had a crazy night out before, and it wasn’t a morning after a date text so I couldn’t quite get why he was asking.

Ok so maybe he’s just a nice guy who is concerned about my sleep patterns, that could happen couldn’t it? So I ignore the first tingle of my spidey senses and put it down to a very newfound fear of intimacy on my part.

The next thing to set alarm bells for me was his request to befriend me on Facebook… huh??? Ok, again not so strange if we’d actually met, but hell I don’t give out my personal Facebook details to anyone I’ve just met… I’m not one of those people who collect ‘friends’ just to reassure themselves that they’re popular… I don’t need to – I know I’m not that popular and I’m quite comfortable with that. But to give out my details (and access to my personal life and my pictures) to a guy I’ve never even met? Hell No!

So as not to hurt his feelings I claimed not to have a Facebook account and neatly dodged the issue. He then started asking exactly where I worked and where I lived and at this point I was really not comfortable. It was something about his overall tone and over-eagerness that smelt suspiciously like clingy stalker material.

Given his over-familiarity, and I’ll be honest a lot of it was just female intuition, I decided that I was no longer comfortable going on a date with this guy. I could’ve taken the coward’s way out, I could’ve made my excuses, explained I had a highly contagious disease that meant all my limbs were gradually dropping off, or that I’d recently discovered God and converted to life of abstinence as a nun.

But no, I thought, I’ll be honest, I’ll tell him that I no longer want to meet him – and why, who knows, perhaps he’s had other women drop him faster than a leper’s desiccated hand. Perhaps he’ll even thank me for being refreshingly honest and pointing out to him the error of his ways?

Or perhaps not.

Yes I’ll admit to being ever so slightly naive in thinking he would take my politely phrased explanation for not wanting to meet him as anything other than a direct insult to his whole being. But seriously… the tirade of abuse I got from him was… well to be frank it was rather petty and quite a lot vicious.

I’d tried to be delicate in my email, I’d even said perhaps I was being a little over precautious, that he may well be a lovely guy but that he was just coming on a little too strong for my liking. His reply was just pure abuse and vitriol, I’d obviously struck a rather sensitive nerve.

And well yes, to be fair I was asking for it really, lesson learned – and if in future I meet a weirdo guy who give me that freak vibe, well I’ll do as I’ve always done in the past, delete them from my contacts, block them completely, and should I have the misfortune to run into them again? – claim total amnesia.