Since I last posted I’ve had a while to think about Football Guy and how I felt about the last date, and I have to say it didn’t make me feel that good. I know I like him a lot on one level, but on another, I don’t like him much at all. To be blunt he annoyed me, and part of me actually didn’t like his cocky arrogance even though there was an element of this that appealed in a sort of ‘Alpha male’ way. But for the main part I’d convinced myself that although I find him infuriatingly attractive, I find elements of his personality decidedly unattractive.
Looking at the situation with a little distance, I could see that one element I really dislike is that he seems to be dictating all the play in this odd little game, and as I may have mentioned before, I’m a bit of a control freak. I don’t like feeling like I’m being played like a worn out games consul in a room full of computer geeks with the latest version of COD; I much prefer at least the illusion that I have some control over the situation I place myself in. So I came to the following decision, which I relayed to Football Guy the next time I invited him to my house.
I am going to continue to see Football Guy but no longer under the loose premise that it’s heading anywhere other than the bedroom (or any other room I care to do it in with him). We are not dating, we are not pretending to date – at least certainly not each other. I have told him as I did at the start that I’m not looking for a casual fling, but I acknowledge that I wish to enjoy his continued ‘company’ at least in one area… And on this basis I’m happy to continue, but there are some provisos:
1) We are to remain sexually exclusive until either of us ends the arrangement (this is more a choice for me than a dictate to him admittedly).
2) I will be dating other people (I am after all still looking for my ‘prince’).
3) If either of us meets someone else and wants to become sexually active with them, we end things immediately.
4) We do not feed each other bullshit platitudes that confuse the other (namely me) into thinking that the other person wants or likes us on anything other than a carnal level.
5) If either of us slips up on point 1) they must use protection.
With this all said – in admittedly a much less regimented manner than I’ve just written, we decide that we’re both happy with the new arrangement. In fact I’d go as far as to say that he’s practically elated and who can blame him, he’s getting to eat his cake and still have it! As for me I feel much better, It’s funny but as soon as I say all I have to say I feel relaxed and at the same time invigorated, in fact I feel empowered… and extremely horny. I then proceed to mercilessly and selfishly screw him for all he’s worth – and it’s amazing! It’s as if by taking back the reins and feeling like I am back in control of the situation I am freed to be anything I want to be, and to be as sexually aggressive as I want.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a shy retiring type in the bedroom, but there’s a real distinct difference here – this is psychological, and that makes it all the more exciting! Now I’m not pretending what I’ve proposed is anything revolutionary revolution for a lot of women, but for me it’s nothing short of a liberation, a statement of intent that I will dictate what happens to me and how and when I want it to happen.
It certainly seems to be win-win at this stage, I’m getting no strings, regular sex with someone I feel comfortable enough to be myself with. I get to say and do exactly as I feel without the worry that he’ll be shocked, upset or walk away. It allows me to say when I’m pissed off or don’t like something, and I’m not scared of losing him as he’s not mine and I am not his. I am in essence, testing my newer self on him, being the person I ought to be in a relationship without the risk of being in a relationship.
Ohh the thrill and the rush of taking back control practically makes me tingle all over again – that and the memory of my domineering side coming to the fore and screwing him as only a confident older woman can. I am however, tempering all this newfound confidence with an awareness that I am still an emotional being, and I know myself all too well enough to realise that there will be a limited period only within which I can sustain this. I’ve told him we can continue as we are until I meet someone or I no longer want to continue, as I know that it’s a ticking time-bomb. It’s in my circuitry; I’m hardwired to feel emotion for a guy if I spent enough time with him I just can’t do dispassionate.
There’s only exception to the rule, and that was with an ex of mine that goes way back. We met several years after we split up and found we were both single but missing the physical benefits of being in a relationship. I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship at the time and nether was he, so we were able to scratch each other’s itch on a monthly basis and still get along as friends, which we did very well. And guess what… there’s no bad ending to this at all, we didn’t fall in love, but we didn’t fall out with each other either. We were true friends with benefits, hung out, went for drinks, had great sex, and that was it, nothing more. It wasn’t cold or unfeeling in the slightest, it just wasn’t passionate or romantically loving either. Our ‘fling’ if you can call it that finally ran its course and we ended things amicably when he said he was ready to have a relationship; I said I wasn’t looking for that yet so I gave him some space, and last I heard he was dating a woman he met on Guardian Soulmates.
But back to the matter in hand, now that my relationship with Football Guy has been redefined and to some degree ‘regulated’ I feel at liberty to start dating again. And I meant what I said – I will be dating with the purpose of finding someone I want to have a relationship with (and hopefully wants one with me this time) and I’ll be keeping my pants on! I’m not judging others, but for me personally I don’t feel comfortable being sexually intimate with more than one person at the same time. So the minute I feel like I wanna get frisky with a new date is the minute I’ll be cutting things with Football Guy – having said that, kissing dates is definitely allowed – c’mon, it’s not like he’s my boyfriend!
One this is for sure though, now that we’ve redefined things, I have a few plans for what I’m going to do with him…Mwahahahahahahha!